01 Hectors arrival

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Episode 1

Narrative

BRIDGET [reading email message]

‘Gigi!!

Did you get my message?

Please call me.

Love, John.

P.S: Did you get the flowers?’

BRIDGET

Is he stupid?!

(Writes email)

‘I told you last night, it’s finished.

Sorry. B.

(And don’t call me GIGI.)’

John [on phone]

But please don’t leave me.

BRIDGET

Don’t cry.

Oh, goodbye.

Oh and happy birthday!

Aah, men!

ANNIE

Come on Charley, come on.

Post, Bridget.

Charley and I have the post, haven’t we Charley.

BRIDGET

Give me the post, Charley. [Dog growls]

Give me the post, Charley.

ANNIE

Drop it, Charley.

Oh, good boy!

Oh, telephone bill, gas bill, electricity bill.

Oh.

Ah, what’s this?

Mmm, a parcel for you, Bridget.

BRIDGET

Oh, good.

What is it?

Oh, it’s from mother.

ANNIE

Oh, ‘Bridget darling, this arrived for you and I made you this. Love Mummy.’

Oh, ho-ho, oh very you, Bridget!

BRIDGET

Mother!

Ooh, this is from Argentina.

ANNIE

Argentina. Who from? What does it say?

BRIDGET

[Erm], it says ‘Hello, do you remember me?’

No.

‘Seven years ago we was pen pals.’

‘We was’ -  we were pen pals.

Oh yeah, now I remember, it’s Hector!

ANNIE

Who’s Hector?

BRIDGET

He was my pen pal seven years ago.

ANNIE

Oh.

BRIDGET

‘I speak English good now.’ I speak English good.

I speak English well now – ‘and I am coming to England.’

ANNIE

Oh, Latin Americans!

BRIDGET

‘I would like to sleep with you. Do you have a bed for me?’

Oh, he wants to stay here! [Oh]. Ah, ha, ha.

ANNIE

But [erm] what about the rules?

ANNIE

Ooh, a Latin American here, ooh, like Ricky Martin!

Tall, handsome, rich!

So [erm] when is he coming?

BRIDGET

Oh [erm] let me see.

It says ‘November 5th.’

ANNIE

Oh, November 5th.

But that’s …

BRIDGET

… Today!

Sound of knocking on door

BRIDGET and ANNIE

Aaaah!!!

BRIDGET

Oh, oh it’s you Nick!

NICK

Hi, babes!

ANNIE

Hello Nick.

How are you?

NICK

Gr-eat.

Nice muscles.

Here’s your milk.

BRIDGET

Our milk.

You mean our milk you borrowed three weeks ago.

ANNIE

Oh, thanks Nick.

NICK

[Speaking in a mock Italian accent]

I forget nothing!

ANNIE

Would you like a drink, Nick?

Would you like a drink, Nick?

Telephone rings

NICK

Uhh.

ANNIE

I said, would you like a drink, Nick?

NICK

Oh!

Sorry.

No thanks.

ANNIE

Oh, erm, Bridget’s friend is coming.

NICK

Oh yeah.

ANNIE

Aha.

From Argentina.

NICK

Wow!

From Argentina!

What’s she like?

ANNIE

She is a he!

NICK

Huh?

ANNIE

Not a girl, a boy.

NICK

Oh.

Tough guy, ay!

Why don’t I show you how to do it properly!

BRIDGET

Nick, I’ve told you before, nobody uses my bike, nobody, is that clear?

NICK

Why not?

BRIDGET

Why not?!!

If you touch my bike again, you are out - O-U-T, out. Clear?!

NICK

What?

Sound of door slamming

Sound of knocking on door

BRIDGET

I said …

HECTOR

Hello.

ANNIE

Hello.

HECTOR

I am called Argentina.

I am from Hector.

ANNIE

You mean ‘I am called Hector.’

HECTOR

You are called Hector?

ANNIE

Oh, no, no, no, I am called Annie.

HECTOR

I am called Annie.

BRIDGET

No! She means ‘I am called Hector, I am from Argentina.’

HECTOR

You are from Argentina!

BRIDGET

Oh, come in!

ANNIE [sending email]

‘Hi Nadia.

Bridget’s pen pal arrived this morning.’

HECTOR

Hello.

ANNIE [sending email]

‘He is, mmm, strange.’

NICK

Hi babes!

ANNIE

Hello Nick!

[sending email] ‘Oh and Nick from next door is so funny!

He brought our milk back from three weeks ago.’

NICK

I forget nothing!

BRIDGET [sending email]

‘Chrissy! Nick is so stupid, he touched my bike.

Men!’

BRIDGET

Nobody uses my bike, nobody, is that clear?

NICK

Why not!

BRIDGET

Why not?!!

BRIDGET [sending email]

‘Also, Hector is here from Argentina.

His English is not very good.’

HECTOR

I am called Argentina.

I am from Hector.

HECTOR

These are my cars.

BRIDGET

You play with cars?!

HECTOR

Yes, you play, no?

I play with cars.

BRIDGET

He plays with cars!

HECTOR

I read.

I love the library.

BRIDGET

Fascinating!

ANNIE

We go to the library too, don’t we, Bridget.

BRIDGET

Yes, it’s great!

HECTOR

Good.

I live here.

BRIDGET

You live in a museum, full of old things?

HECTOR

Old things.

Yes, I have lots of old things.

I live in a museum.

OK, I live in a museum.

ANNIE

Well, thank you Hector and now we’ll show you the flat.

BRIDGET

This is the bedroom.

HECTOR

Thank you.

Who-hey!!

Where do you sleep?

BRIDGET

[Erm] no you don’t understand, we only have one bedroom.

HECTOR

One?

I have twenty.

ANNIE

Twenty?

BRIDGET

Yes, he lives in a museum, with twenty bedrooms.

ANNIE

Oh! Ha-ha-ha, very funny, ha, twenty bedrooms!

Laughter

BRIDGET

Well, you can sleep here.

HECTOR

Oh, thank you.

ANNIE

Oh, no, no, no, Hector!

It’s a bed.

HECTOR

A bed?

Ah, oh …

BRIDGET

Here’s a cushion.

HECTOR

Oh, thank you.

ANNIE

Oh, this of course is the TV.

BRIDGET

But just relax, I must go to the bathroom.

Psst! Annie! Bathroom!!

Now!!

BRIDGET

Oh my goodness, what are we going to do?

He plays with toy cars!

ANNIE

He is not a sexy Argentinian.

Mm, but he is sweet.

BRIDGET

And he is polite.

BRIDGET and ANNIE

But those clothes!

ANNIE

Oh, he is so old-fashioned.

BRIDGET

Mm, he must go.

HECTOR

Room service.

NICK

Hello.

Who are you?...